a daily story

 

Today

Phil sets up a profile on okcupid.

 

January

1/1  Phil Gaffigan wakes and says to himself,

“This year will be different.”

1/2  During his planning period, Phil adds

specifics to his list of resolutions:

– Lose Weight (40 pounds by summer)

– Meet Someone (go on at least 3 dates)

– The Project (for real this year, study

   Shark Tank)

– Less Internet (1 hour a day, maybe 2)

– Keep Diary (at least once a week)

1/3  Phil orders the Son of Baconator instead

of his regular Baconator at the Wendy’s

drive-thru. He gets the combo with chili,

no cheese, and a medium coke.

Phil sits in the parking lot and watches the

passing cars and pale evening sky while

he eats. Halfway through, he thinks

maybe he should have gone for the

Asiago Ranch Chicken Club.

1/4  Phil’s neighbor pokes his head out of his

garage and waves.

“Some week,” he says.

“That it is!  Or was,” Phil says, fumbling

with his keys.

“Got anything lined up for the weekend?”

“Not much, you know.  Going down to see

mom.”

1/5  Phil and his mother watch Roseanne on

TVland until it starts to repeat mid-

afternoon.  She won’t admit to liking it, but

she doesn’t change the channel either.

Roseanne begins working at the salon,

goes on a diet, files taxes, has a birthday,

fights with Jackie, makes up with Jackie.

Jackie often makes Phil tear up.

1/6  Phil writes in a new notebook:

Well, so far so good. I read somewhere

that it’s harder to keep a diary going if

you’re happy. So maybe if I don’t keep

this so regular, that’s a good thing! Ha!

Bet I have a ton of January diaries around

here somewhere. But this time’s going to

be different. It’s got to be. For one, I’m

really getting up there (officially!) and

time’s definitely passing quicker each

year. My memory’s shot, and it wasn’t

anything special to begin with! Seriously, I

can hardly remember last year. Did

anything much happen? I really have to

record things better. And not just on

facebook.

Kinda lost control today. Not really a

binge, but definitely a slip-up. And after 3

days of being good too. Maybe I should

keep a food diary.

Honestly, feels like just another Sunday.

Nothing new, really. 2013 still looks weird

when I write it, like it doesn’t fit. Got to

keep my new year’s mojo going

somehow.

Mom didn’t mention the blowup at xmas

yesterday. Didn’t say much of anything.

Me neither.

Man, I’m usually a lot more optimistic than

this. Pretty content, all said and done.

Been moping around the house too much

today. Maybe what I read about diaries

was that you don’t usually write about

happy things. Got to work on that.

1/7  Phil thinks of a great idea for a facebook

post in the shower but forgets by the time

he flosses.

1/8  Phil falls asleep early watching Ancient

Aliens.  He wakes hours later and

stumbles around the house turning off all

the lights.

1/9  Phil does 3 loads of laundry, cleans out

the fridge, and scrubs the bathroom floor.

A productive night.

1/10 On the way to work, Phil hears the

weekend forecast calling for clouds and

rain.  Then he makes 3 yellow lights in a

row and everything seems like it’ll work

out ok.  He kisses his palm and touches it

to the roof of his car with each light.

1/11 Phil discovers that all of Family Ties is

available on hulu for free.  There goes my

weekend, he thinks.

1/12 Phil waits to run errands at 4:00, when the

whole city is watching the game.

1/13 Phil writes in his notebook:

Going to have to keep this one short.  So

much grading still left.  Where has the

weekend gone?  Story of my Sunday

nights.

Actually was a pretty relaxing weekend

overall (except for the racket next door –

wonder what he’s building this time).

Watched tons of the early seasons of

Family Ties.  Really brought back a lot of

memories.  Though I didn’t remember

Jennifer being so funny!

Not doing so great with my being online

resolution.  I’ve got to get out more.  Maybe

see some actual movies in the theater.

Especially now that all the Oscar

nominations are out – got to catch up!

Should see friends more too.  Maybe I’ll

see if Alex is free later this week.  Sure

been a while.  Really miss seeing that guy.

Good week food-wise.  Only one bad

night.  Man, I remember when one

Stouffer’s lasagna was enough.  Just a few

years back, and I was still this same size

too.  I seriously think they changed the

recipe and made them smaller.  Or at least

less filling!

Want to wait a bit longer to actually get on

the scales.  So when I do, I’ll be able to

see some real change!

1/14 Both of Phil’s legs fall asleep after he

plays Temple Run too long on the toilet.

1/15 Phil sees two college kids holding hands

at Kroger and remembers the fantasy he

used to have about shopping as a couple.

Combing the aisles together for the

thousands of meals they would share.

Each shelf so full of possibilities.

1/16 On the way home from school, Phil’s

mother calls and asks if he’s coming

down this weekend.  Phil says he’s not

sure, that he has a lot going on right now.

His mother asks what he could possibly

have to do that’s so important.  Besides,

doesn’t he have a 3-day weekend?

1/17 Phil half-wakes from a nightmare and lies

frozen in bed.  All he can think of is a

closed door.  Behind that door, there is a

man.  He can’t see the man, but Phil

knows he’s there.  The man stands just on

the other side, face to the door, waiting.

1/18 Ian Rook, the AP English teacher, peers

down at Phil’s salad as he passes

through the teacher’s lounge and says,

“Good for you, sir.  Good for you.”

Paula Hager, the Geometry teacher, leans

in after he leaves and says, “Don’t pay

any attention to him, Phil.”

1/19 Phil spends the whole morning catching

up on facebook.  He likes 13 posts, 7

comments, 31 photos, and shares 2 funny

e-cards.  He jumps from timeline to

timeline until his eyes ache.

1/20 Phil meets his mother for lunch. She tells

him how nice the service was.

“I think I’d like to try the Zesty Roma

Chicken and Shrimp,” Phil says.

“What, is that supposed to be good?” his

mother asks.

“It’s new. One of their under 550 calories

entrees.”

“Well, I’ll be. Isn’t that Richard’s daughter

over there in the corner booth?”

1/21 Phil sees the Geico commercial about

Eddie Money running a travel agency

5 times throughout the day.  The look on

Eddie’s face as he sings “Two Tickets to

Paradise” cracks Phil up every time.

1/22 Before class, Phil writes in his notebook:

How is it that I have this long weekend

and still end up putting everything off until

the end?  Especially the most important

things.

It’s been 3 weeks now since the new year,

and what can I say?  Little progress on

internet habits.  None at all on dates and

the project.  This diary is the only thing I’ve

kept up with, and even it’s late.

And then the weight.  I got on the scales

last week, even after I said I was going to

wait.  Needed a little boost.  And then I saw

it: 1 pound.  Only 1 pound lost!  So I

doubled down right after, got super

serious.  Went to bed hungry most nights.  I

don’t know what’s worse than feeling both

hungry and fat.

Well, I can imagine a lot worse, I guess.

Should be grateful if that’s the worst of it.

Let’s see, what else?  Caught some of the

inauguration yesterday.  I’m not real

political but what I saw was nice.  So funny

how Al Roker got both the president’s and

vice-president’s attention during the

parade.  Biden even ran over and shook

hands.  What a guy.

Ok, gotta go.  Kids will be here in 2

minutes.  At least this week will be a short

one.

1/23 Phil searches for a box of old self-help

books in the garage.  He finds his National

Geographics and Chewbacca suit but not

the box he wants.

1/24 While eating his Special K, Phil watches

squirrels on a telephone wire playing

or flirting or dueling or teasing.

1/25 In the teacher’s lounge, Sara Beth Crouse

and Paul Estes wave Phil over.

“Hey, Phil,” says Sara Beth. “Can we ask

you something?”

“Sure, guys,” Phil says. “What is it?”

Paul leans back to make sure the copy

room is empty too. “It’s about Ian Rook.”

“About why he’s such a prick,” says

Sara Beth.

Phil grins. “Oh, you mean AP night?”

“We mean every single day.” Sara Beth

leans in. “What the hell is wrong with

that man?”

“Oh, he’s always been that way. A real

Mr. Tedesco,” Phil says.

“Mr. who?” asks Sara Beth.

“Did he used to teach here or

something?” asks Paul.

“Sorry, never mind.” Phil steps sideways

toward the fridge. “Before your time.”

1/26 On his way out to meet Alex, Phil sees his

neighbor dragging a heavy bag into his

garage.

“Howdy, professor,” Phil says. “Need a

hand there?”

“Thanks, Phil. I got it.”

Phil nods and waves, then ducks into his

car already warming in the driveway.

1/27 Phil writes in his notebook:

What a nice weekend this turned out to

be. Snow day Friday so the week was

extra short. Went in to pick up quizzes and

ended up staying the whole afternoon.

But it was good! Got caught up on

everything, so the rest of my weekend

was wide open.

Finally got ahold of Alex and met up last

night. It was great to see him. We can go

months and just pick up like no time has

passed. But then I remember why we

don’t get together more often. Guy’s really

sweet, but man oh man is he exhausting.

Everything’s a production. And he has the

hardest time enjoying anything. Still wants

out of his job. Still wants out of Kentucky.

He’s been saying that as long as I’ve

known him.

He’s really got so much going for him,

though. Still sharp as ever. His 30s

haven’t dulled his brain one bit. Not like

yours truly! Abby’s still great too. She

popped in before heading out herself.

Wish she would’ve stuck around. Alex is

so much looser with her there.

We ended up talking a lot about people

we both knew on facebook. He says it’s

kind of like a game to him. How much can

he figure out about people’s lives from

their posts. I asked him how he ever knew

if he was right, since it’s not like he ever

talks to anyone on there. He said he didn’t

know. Would never know.

Typical Alex. Glad I saw him, but I’m

probably good now for another few

months. Sometimes I just want to say to

him: it’s not as bad as all that, is it? Is it?

But if I did, I bet he’d say: typical Phil. Ha!

You got me.

1/28 Phil is staring at the moonlight on his

comforter and trying to fall asleep when

he remembers where to find that box of

books.

He heads to the garage but pauses in

the doorway. He doesn’t want to get the

bottoms of his new slippers dirty, but he

doesn’t want to go back and change

either.

He steps out of his slippers and down

onto the cold cement.

1/29 Phil rummages through the box before

bed. It’s filled with his father’s most prized

books. The Power of Positive Thinking,

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,

Awaken the Giant Within.

Phil remembers his father dropping by

unannounced to give them to him. The

look on his dad’s face as he held them

out.

1/30 At dinner, Phil spills barbecue sauce on

his yellow shirt with blue parrots, his

favorite.

1/31 Phil listens to the radio in the parking lot

at Wendy’s. A caller asks Delilah to play

her and her husband’s special song.

They’re separated right now, but she

hopes he might hear it, somehow.

Phil sings along to the chorus:

Walking in Memphis

Walking with my feet ten feet off of Beale

Walking in Memphis

But do I really feel the way I feel?

February

2/1  Phil wakes to a snow day.  His mind

flutters with plans.  The day is wide open.

Anything could happen.  Then he falls

back to sleep.

2/2  Phil leaves AMC on and catches

snippets of Groundhog Day all day long.

2/3  Phil eats way too much 7 layer dip.

2/4  Phil writes in his notebook:

Thought we might get another snow day

but no. It’s for the best. Wasted the last

one. The whole weekend, really. Got the

DVR down from 98% to 73% full.

Whoopee.

Last night was a total failure. Went to the

department’s Super Bowl party. Was a

little out of sorts with them ragging on

students like usual. Switched seats but

ended up too close to the food table. And

then it was just like before, like nothing

had changed in the last month. I must

have gained back every one of the 3

pounds I’ve lost, all in one sitting. It’s like

that story where a guy pushes a boulder

up a hill only to have it roll back down

every time. Every dang time. What’s his

name? It’s just like that.

Also, got kind of down after watching

Shark Tank. Seriously, what am I waiting

for? There was this rabbi on there with a

piece of plastic that bends sound around

to the front of an Ipad. Simplest little

device, and the rabbi was so funny and

smart and charming. He made a deal with

Damon but had an offer from Robert too

(who I always thought would be nice to

work with). Man, it’s like his whole world is

going to change now. And the rabbi

deserves it! He really knew his stuff.

What am I doing? What’s different so far

this year? I don’t mean to be so down, but

I’m really getting tired of the same old

same old. If Dad were still around, he

would tell me to pick myself up. Your life is

your own. You’ve got to take it in hand.

But it doesn’t feel that way right now.

I don’t feel it.

2/5  “Would someone please wake him?”

Phil asks.

Kyle rattles Jake’s desk. “Dude. Mr. G can

totally see you sleeping.”

“Are you with us now, Jake?”

“History class is a nightmare to which I’d

rather not awake,” Jake says.

“Is that some kind of joke?” Phil asks.

2/6  On his way out, Phil rubs the wooden

animal head built into his mantelpiece.

For luck.

2/7  “But when did Dad know he wasn’t going

to make it?”

“Why in the world are you asking me all

this?”

“I was going through some of his stuff last

week. Just trying to get the timing

straight.”

“That was so long ago, Phil. I can hardly

be expected to remember every little

thing.”

“Mom, please. You forget nothing.”

2/8  Phil spends half an hour browsing netflix

instant but can’t find anything he feels like

watching besides Cheers.

2/9  Phil slips into Walmart just before

midnight. It’s practically empty. As he

searches the shelves, he remembers a

story he heard about late night sightings

of aliens in the aisles. The pale, thin kind.

Something about store lights shining off

buffed floors so you might only see their

black eyes, at first.

Phil takes his corners slowly.

2/10 Phil writes in his notebook:

Just reread the past few entries. Man,

writing sure brings out the complainer in

me. Things really aren’t so bad. Course

days have their ups and downs, but most

are pretty good in the end. I sleep well

enough, and I’m always excited about

what the next day might bring. You just

never know.

I’ve been thinking today I should write

down things I’m thankful for. To at least

balance things out.

First, my health. I do need to lose some

weight, but the doctor said I was decently

fit for someone my size. And I don’t even

look my age. People are always surprised

when I tell them. My skin’s clear and my

hair’s good. Still that little wave and

bounce!

Money’s fine too. House payments

steady, no new credit cards, not wanting

for much. Mom’s always telling me to live

a little already, but it’s not like I don’t do

what I want. Job’s secure and easy

enough. Maybe I’m not the best teacher,

but I’m certainly not the worst! Kids are

nice too, mostly. And with summers to

myself, I can’t really complain about the

schedule.

I do have some habits I’d like to change,

but they’re not so serious. Not like I drink

or smoke or anything. Just some daily

stuff. Oh, and have good friends too. Wish

we could see more of each other, but I

know they’re busy. That’s something else

– I’m not too busy. Really have time to do

what I want.

So I shouldn’t complain. Perspective, Phil,

perspective! Sometimes I just overreact to

little things. Like last night…ended up

spooking myself over something silly. Got

this image stuck in my head of an alien

from a movie I saw in high school. Slowly

peeking around the corner of a dresser.

Ug, don’t even want to write it now.  So

stupid. It’s not like I really believe in

aliens. But I couldn’t shake the feeling it

gave me.

The whole thing made the house feel a lot

emptier today. That feeling like I was

being watched. Course, whenever I

turned to look behind me, nothing. But

still. Funny, these haunted feeling days at

least feel more memorable.

When I look back at the entries here, it’s

crazy how little I remember of the days in

between. If I try real hard and do the math,

I can sometimes figure out when certain

things must have happened. Then the

details might come back. But mostly no,

just days and days mushed together.

What I need to figure out is how to make

the days more memorable. Without

scaring myself half to death, that is!

2/11 Phil’s sister leaves a message on his

phone during class.  She says to call back

if he gets this in the next 15 minutes.

Otherwise, she’ll just try him later in the

week when things are less hectic.

2/12 Phil realizes too late that he’s out of toilet

paper, and there’s no spare under the

sink.  The extra rolls are in the hall closet.

2/13 After dinner, Phil calculates that he finally

made it through a whole day on less than

2,000 calories.  He decides to go to bed

early, just to be safe.

2/14 At the end of school, Phil runs by his

mailbox in the teacher’s lounge and stuffs

all the papers in his bag.  Only later at

home does he find, amidst observation

forms and safety reminders, a typed letter

from a secret admirer.

2/15 Phil sits in the parking lot and watches the

teachers and students enter the building.

He sees a stain under a window that he’s

never noticed before. He sees a still-

burning cigarette roll along the sidewalk.

He sees someone else sitting in a car.

Phil is suddenly afraid to go in.

2/16 Phil spends most of the afternoon going

through a shoebox of stuff from his ex-

boyfriend.

He finds a note dated February 16th but a

decade past. It says:

Go ahead and make yourself comfortable

if I’m not home when you get here. Can

you also take out the soup and put it on

the stove? You’ll never believe what kind I

made.

~ M

2/17 Phil writes in his notebook:

Something crazy has happened. I was

going to write earlier, but I didn’t know

what to say. I still don’t! But I’m about to

burst, and I don’t know who else to tell.

So, on Thursday I got this…love letter. Is

that what I should call it? At first I thought it

was a joke. I mean, these things don’t

happen in real life. Just too crazy. But

then I thought: why would someone go to

all that trouble?

Friday was weird because suddenly I was

looking at everyone like: Is it you? Is it

you? I really felt paranoid or something.

Guess I’m most afraid that it’s a woman

who doesn’t know. But practically

everyone knows! Plus, the letter does

sound like a man. Still, I need to make a

list and try to narrow down the

possibilities.

The whole crazy thing has turned me

upside down. Bringing back all these

memories of feelings I thought were long

gone. Even got out the dreaded shoebox

yesterday. My ex-box, ha! The weird thing

is, while I do remember a lot of the

feelings from back then, there are all

these things he mentions that I can barely

recall. Little daily things that I’m sure were

important at the time. At least I understand

better now why he was always such a nut

about keeping records and dating

everything.

(His handwriting does still get me, I have

to admit.)

I don’t know, everything just feels different

now. Like I’m in a movie or something. For

once I wish we didn’t have tomorrow off. It

just feels like the world out there is so full

of secrets!

2/18 Phil paces the house.  He tries to grade.

He flips between channels.  He clicks

from site to site.  He stares into the fridge.

He gazes through the blinds.  He checks

the mail again and again until he

remembers it’s a holiday.

2/19 Phil wakes 30 minutes before his alarm.

He takes a scalding shower, brushes

twice, shaves extra carefully, doubles up

on deodorant, gets his hair just right, and

dresses in his most slimming shirt.  Before

leaving, he decides to add – why not? – a

splash of cologne.

2/20 The handsome new Physics teacher,

Ben Maddox, smiles at Phil in the hallway.

Phil smiles back, gives a little wave.

2/21 “Could be raccoons,” Phil’s neighbor

says. “Very smart animals. Natural

tricksters.”

“Maybe it’s just dogs,” Phil says.

“I doubt that. The local strays never

struck me as particularly bright.”

Phil starts rolling his can up the driveway.

His neighbor says, “Whatever the case,

we can’t be having our garbage strewn

all over the neighborhood.”

2/22 Rita Campbell, the Algebra II teacher,

sticks her head in during Phil’s planning.

“They tell you about the open house this

afternoon?”

“That they did, thanks.”

“They’ve got me running around like a

madwoman reminding everybody!”

“Well you can check me off your list!”

“Word of advice: always look busy during

your planning!”

“Don’t I always, though!”

“By the way, looking sharp today, Phil.”

“Oh. Well…thank you.”

2/23 Phil’s mother asks if he saw the news

report on channel 18 about his old high

school.

“They said it’s haunted and whatnot.

Lights coming on at night, footsteps in the

halls, desks rearranging themselves.

That kind of stuff.”

“Now mom. You don’t believe in any of

that.”

“No. But you do.”

2/24 Phil writes in his notebook:

Interesting week, that’s for sure. But I don’t

know what to make of it. Maybe I’m a little

rusty at reading the signs. I’m going to

start a list of possible people, just to keep

things straight.

So first, the known single men at school:

Hal Warner, Rodney Hopkins, Cecil

Walker, Ben Maddox. I know Ben is a

stretch, a hope! I’ve never heard him

mention a girlfriend, but then I’ve only

spoken to him twice. He was friendly this

week, true, but he’s always friendly to

everybody. If I’m being honest, I can’t

imagine him writing a letter like that. He’s

too straightforward, doesn’t seem the kind

to mess around. Plus, he’s just too hot!

As for the others, Hal is certainly a nice

guy. Helped me out a number of times

with some of the problem kids. Hard to tell

with guidance counselors, though. Been

wrong before.

I hope to god it’s not Rodney. I can never

tell if his jokes are just in bad taste or if

he’s the biggest homophobe in the

school. He’s always been nice to me one

on one, but the man’s kind of gross, to be

honest.

Which leaves Cecil Walker. Now that

would be something for the history books!

A dead serious, no nonsense blowhard

like our department chair writing little old

me love notes! Simply not possible.

Of course, this doesn’t include any

married ones. At least they’d have a

reason to write in secret. But none of them

give off signals, except maybe Paul Estes.

Though his are definitely mixed. Literature

guys are tough to read. Ha! (Dear lord just

let it not be Ian Rook.)

I guess I can’t discount the possibility of it

being one of the women. Rita was sweet

last week. She’s certainly been through

enough – I would hate to disappoint her.

And I do get along with many of the

others, too many to list. (Yikes, just

remembered Betty Jo Crenshaw back at

Homecoming. Ack.) Only if it was

someone like Josephine Overstreet would

I be really shocked. Such a classy lady! It

would kind of be an honor.

I don’t know what to do next. I’m no

detective, that’s for sure, so even writing it

out like this is probably useless. Maybe I

should just write a letter back. Leave it in

my own box and hope he checks soon.

Maybe that’s too risky. Maybe he’ll write

again on his own. Who knows!

2/25 During breakfast, Phil checks the Oscar

winners he slept through.  He wonders if

Argo would be a good date movie.

2/26 Phil notices Gene lingering by his map of

the Fertile Crescent after class.

“How’s it going there, Gene?”

“Good, sir, good.”

“Your mom doing ok?”

“Yes, sir.”

Gene makes no move to leave. He rattles

the earphones in his hand like dice.

“Those boys giving you any more

trouble?” Phil asks.

“Not since Christmas break.”

“Well, if you ever again need me to”

“I will, sir…thank you. I’ve been meaning

to tell you. Thank you, I mean.”

2/27 Before the first bell, Phil tries to listen in

as Kaylee tells the crowd of girls

around her desk how her boyfriend’s

cousin’s stepmom once babysat

Jennifer Lawrence.

2/28 Phil struggles to write a letter to his secret

admirer after dinner.  He doesn’t even

know how to begin.  Dear Sir (or Madam)?

To whom it may concern?  Dear you know

who?

March

3/1  Phil finds a second letter in his school

mailbox.  It’s in the same fake handwriting

font but much more explicit than before.

He quickly hides it in his bag, along with

the letter he wrote before school.

3/2  Phil writes in his notebook:

Now I’m really confused. If I had actually

delivered my letter just a day earlier,

everything might be different!

I’d just about given up when I wrote it.

Written the whole thing off as some weird

fluke. When I reread the first letter on

Thursday, it just seemed kind of vague.

Like it could have been written to

anybody. Or put in the wrong box by

mistake.

So I wrote that there must have been

some misunderstanding. No hard

feelings. I guess it was kind of a test to

see if the person would even check.

For once, it was a good thing I waited so

long to do anything. Well, maybe. The

second letter is kind of nuts. And there’s

no mistaking it’s for me (he even noticed

I’d been dressing up a little more

recently). He asked all these personal

questions. Like really personal! I can’t

even write them down.

I was all ready to try and forget the whole

thing, but now I don’t know what to do.

The second letter has stirred things up all

over again. And the new tone is kind of…

exciting? I guess I always have liked

dominant types.

But how do I respond to that? I think I’ve

forgotten how! My mind keeps going to my

ex. Though that’s probably too serious, at

least right now. This person almost seems

like he just wants an encounter. (Which

also sounds nice.) But why go to such

trouble if that’s all he wants?

He sounds complicated, perhaps

conflicted or kind of new to this. I don’t

know, maybe I could be the experienced

one this time. Part of me is still hesitating,

but I don’t know why.

3/3  Phil heads down to the river, crosses on

the ferry, and drives the backroads of the

county he grew up in.

3/4  Phil sings “Against All Odds” in the

shower.

3/5  “Come say hi to your Uncle Phil!”

“How are the girls doing?”

“They were just asking when you…Greg!

Get the girls in here!”

“Bern, it’s fine…”

“Tell them I’ve got their Uncle Phil on the

computer!”

“Bern, really…”

“Listen Phil, I’m really sorry about

Christmas. I should’ve had your back, I

should have. But you know Greg didn’t

mean it. And jesus you know how mom

can be. You know the crazy shit she

comes out with sometimes.”

“I know.”

“No, tell them I said RIGHT NOW!”

3/6  Phil likes and then unlikes a photo of his

ex.  He hopes he’s in time to stop the

notification from showing up.

3/7  Phil clicks on a link:

Feel like a Luigi in life?

Nintendo says this is your year!

3/8  Phil finds a third letter in his box.

It suggests they meet next Wednesday.

3/9  Phil is browsing in the Relationships

section when he hears an announcement

for a signing by local transgender author

Alana Nicole Sholar.  He browses closer

and closer and then hovers nearby so he

can hear what she says.

3/10 Phil writes in his notebook:

I’ve made a decision. I’m going to meet

this ‘secret admirer’. I can hardly believe it

myself. Just yesterday morning I had

decided the complete opposite. But today

things are different. And I feel good

about it! And scared!

Ever since the letters started, things have

just been off balance for me. All those old

feelings for my ex stirred up. Not even for

him, really. But for that time I guess. I

haven’t talked to him in forever, and it’s

not like the last time was bad or anything.

I’ve seen his occasional updates on

facebook (guess he’s not into it much), but

that was only weird when I first joined

years ago.

It’s not about him (him him him…he-who-

must-not-be-named, ha!). It’s not about

Murphy. It’s about me. I started to think:

What am I so afraid of? Why not try?

Didn’t I make a resolution to meet

someone?

I’ve wondered if maybe I don’t know how

to have a relationship anymore. I’m not

sure I even did when we were together.

I remember when we had those long

breakup talks. Well, mostly Murphy talking

(I always did like to listen to him talk). But I

never even got what I did so wrong.

So I went to JB’s yesterday to just look

around. I don’t know, try to get some

perspective or something. I hadn’t been

there in forever (and it looked different

again this time – why they keep

rearranging the shelves is beyond me!).

I guess I wondered if the ghost of Murphy

would still haunt me there.

But you know what? It was fine. It really

was. And I was kind of enjoying myself

looking through the books. Not that I’ve

suddenly become a reader or anything,

but it was nice to just soak in the

atmosphere and browse a little.

Then I saw this signing event for an

author named Alana Nicole Sholar. I’d

never heard of her before, but I saw that

her book was a memoir about growing up

here as a transgender person. This kind

of blew my mind. For one, I couldn’t

imagine JB holding an event like this 10

years ago. But even more, to grow up as a

transgender person here? HERE! And

then to write a book about it!

I was just so impressed. Alana was so

honest and real, and the people at the

event looked so much like everyday folks

around here. I wouldn’t have guessed

they could be so open and accepting. It

was all so inspiring! I ended up getting

her book – it’s on my nightstand right now

(I even got it signed, very cool!).

When I came home afterwards, my head

was light and I was shaking. I thought:

Phil, you can’t keep doing things the

same forever. You can be brave too. You

said this year would be different!

So I decided to take the risk and meet this

mystery someone on Wednesday (why he

chose Wednesday at school, I have no

idea). This time next week, everything

actually could be different. I keep

reminding myself: People can surprise

you. Even you, Phil, can surprise you!

3/11 Phil walks into the spare room but

forgets what he was coming in for.

3/12 Phil changes the sheets.

3/13 Phil waits by the trophy case. He stares at

the team photo from the year they went to

State and watches in the glass for anyone

approaching.

“Yo, Mr. G!” Kyle calls out from down the

hall.

Please don’t let it be him, please don’t let

it be him, Phil thinks. He nods at Kyle and

then turns back to study the faces in the

photo.

“Hey, what are you still doing here?” Kyle

asks.

“Oh, you know, the usual. Just about to

head home.”

“Cool cool,” Kyle says. He looks at the

photo behind the glass. “Pretty rad that

year, huh? I mean, those dudes didn’t win

it all, but they’re still legends if you ask…

what the fuck?” Kyle peers over Phil’s

shoulder and then walks past him.

Lordy, that was close, Phil thinks. Does

seem he’s a bit late, though. What if

someone else comes? How long should I

wait? He straightens his shirt and checks

himself in the glass. You look just fine, he

tells himself.

Phil turns to make sure Kyle is gone and

sees him arguing with some kids just

around the corner. He strains to see who

the others are when Kyle suddenly takes

their phone, throws it down, and cracks it

under his boot.

“Mr. G, you gotta bounce!” Kyle hollers.

“These assholes are messing with you!”

Phil accidentally smiles, as if to say it’s ok.

Then he hears the sneakers of the other

boys squeaking down the hall as they run

off. They laugh and scream: “YOU FAT

FAGGOT!”

3/14 Phil calls in sick.

3/15 Someone knocks at the front door,

but Phil doesn’t answer.

3/16 Phil eats an entire box of Cheez-Its while

watching the episode of Roseanne where

Jackie sleeps with Arnie and decides to

become a trucker.

3/17 Phil opens his notebook and reads the

last sentences and then hurls it across the

room.  The notebook slides down into the

crack between the bed and the wall.

3/18 Phil sits in his car before school.  No one

seems to notice him.  The day looks just

like any other day through the glass.

3/19 Phil hears muffled arguing in the

teacher’s lounge, but everyone goes quiet

when he opens the door.

3/20 Phil calls in sick.

Midmorning, he hears a sneeze out front.

He peeks through the blinds, and

someone passes directly in front of him.

He tracks the figure around the side of the

house, just missing him at each window.

In the kitchen, he crouches beside the

dishwasher and peers over the

countertop into his backyard. He sees his

neighbor walking across the grass.

Phil’s neighbor looks over his shoulder

and then passes through the hedge into

the subdivision that backs up against

theirs.

3/21 “Why didn’t you ever get married, Mr.

Gaffigan?” Randy asks.

“He’s not that old, Randy. There’s still

time,” Amelia says.

“Yeah, maybe he just never met that

special someone,” Cody says.

“Right. That special…someone,” Randy

says.

“Let’s all get back to work now,” Phil says.

3/22 Phil eats a cookie cake for dinner.

3/23 “Promise you’ll at least take me to the

service next Sunday.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“Is that too much to ask, Phil?”

“Mom, things here haven’t been so”

“So even the death and resurrection of

our Lord won’t bring you down to see your

own mother.”

“Ok ok fine I’ll come.”

“Well you don’t have to say it like that.”

3/24 Phil flips through the new Entertainment

Weekly in the bathroom.  He skims articles

on the Veronica Mars Kickstarter, Cyndi

Lauper’s Broadway album, the Bates

Motel TV series, and Doctor Who.

3/25 Phil watches the snow falling faintly

beneath the streetlight. He checks the

school closings again and again.

But Fayette County does not appear.

3/26 Phil lingers in the Wendy’s parking lot

after dinner and listens to the latest news

about Hollingsworth v. Perry and

United States v. Windsor.

3/27 “You got a minute?”

“Sure, Paula, hi. Come on in. I’m just

finishing up here.”

“How are things going with you, Phil?”

“You know, same old same old.”

“You holding up ok?”

“I’m fine. I’m good.”

“That’s good. I’m right down the hall, you

know.”

“I know, I know.”

“Just don’t let them get to you. Really.

It’ll all blow over soon enough.”

“I know.”

“There are people here who have your

back. We’re not all assholes.”

“Haha, right right. It’s just…I don’t know…

anyway.”

“Listen, I know you’re keeping your head

down. And sure, keep on keeping on and

all. But you don’t have to take any more

bullshit, honey. You hear what I’m

saying? Those vicious little fucks don’t get

to decide things for you.”

3/28 Phil sees a little boy hiding behind his

mother’s legs at the checkout.  He

remembers how often he used to hide like

that.  How his mother always wore dresses

and heels in public.  How she would say to

strangers every time, “Please excuse my

son’s rudeness.  I don’t know what’s

gotten into him today.  He’s not usually

like this.”

3/29 “Madison, please take your seat,” Phil

says.

“In a minute,” Madison says.

“Whatever you’re telling Shawna can wait

til after class.”

“Actually, it can’t.”

“I can’t start class until you’ve taken your

seat.”

“Come on, Mr. Gaffigan. Today’s not even

a real day. Half the class is already on

their way to the beach!”

“So why aren’t you with them, huh?” Steve

asks. “Couldn’t get one of your boyfriends

to drag you along?”

“Shut up, Stephen.”

“Madison…” Phil says.

“You guys are with me, right?” Madison

says to the class. “Free day, free day, free

day!” she chants, shaking her hips.

“Your fat ass ain’t gonna work on Mr.

Gaffigan!” Steve shouts.

“Then let’s try yours!” Madison says.

“Madison, please…” Phil says.

“She’s just playing around, Mr. G,” Kyle

says.

“Speak for yourself, Kyle,” Madison says.

“I mean, come on. What’s he gonna do?”

She holds out one limp wrist and makes a

face that Phil can’t see. The class erupts

in uneasy laughter.

Kyle stands up. “Take your seat, bitch.”

“WHAT?” Madison screams. “Mr. Gaffigan,

did you hear what he called me?”

Phil looks from Madison to the class to

Madison’s empty seat.

“MR. GAFFIGAN. Aren’t you going to do

something?” Madison says.

Phil’s left leg starts to tremble. He looks

Madison in the eye and says through his

teeth, “You heard Kyle. Sit down.”

3/30 Phil makes a To Do list for spring break

and then gets right to work on the first one

– CLEAN HOUSE TOP TO BOTTOM.

3/31 Phil is surprised how easily the words

come back to him:

All hail the power of Jesus’ name

Let angels prostrate fall

Bring forth the royal diadem

And crown Him Lord of all!

But he can’t remember the other verses.

He glances at his mother in her

handsome new hat and sees she doesn’t

know the rest either.

April

4/1  Phil knows Google Nose isn’t real, but he

wishes it were.  He remembers being

fooled by the Google Romance prank

years ago.  Love is just another search

problem, they said.

4/2  Phil checks his email and sees his

Amazon order has already shipped.  He

feels lucky to have a warehouse so

nearby.

4/3  Phil treats himself to Qdoba and Cold

Stone and a double feature of Oz the

Great and Powerful and The Croods.

4/4  Phil lies in bed trying to hold on to a

fading dream.  Something in an Ethan

Allen, something about a flood, something

with his old friend Solomon, something

good.

4/5  Phil quickly finishes his taxes and

wonders why he waits so long every year

when they hardly change at all.

4/6  Phil sees another ad for Mad Men and

thinks maybe it’s time to finally check it

out.  Either that or Game of Thrones.  Or

Breaking Bad.

4/7  Phil digs his notebook out from behind the

bed. He writes:

I don’t know why but a dream I had a few

days ago just came back to me, and I

want to record it before it goes. The weird

thing is, I think I’ve had this dream a few

times before. It just feels really familiar.

I’ve been having a lot of old dreams lately.

This one started at Ethan Allen. I used to

love when mom would take me and Bern

there as kids. It was like visiting a weird

palace with too many rooms. All these

bedrooms and dining rooms and dens

mixed together and out of order. I would

get lost every time, but for some reason I

didn’t mind.

In the dream Solomon was with me, which

never really happened (mom didn’t like to

take other kids on her errands). We ran

through all the rooms exploring and

laughing about something I can’t

remember. But it was really hilarious.

Then I heard water running somewhere in

the walls, and I saw the rugs getting

darker. Solomon told me to climb up on

the furniture, but all I could find was this

tall dresser. I climbed up all the drawers,

and when I got to the top, Solomon was

already there waiting for me.

We looked down and saw cloudy water

filling up the whole place. Solomon said

not to worry, so I didn’t. I could hear my

mom still talking with the owner in the

other room, and I didn’t call to her. Then

all the furniture started to move. It was a

flood, like in the Bible.

We floated outside and most of the world

was water. Other furniture would

sometimes float by, but no people. It was

just me and Solomon, and for some

reason I felt really happy. Solomon had a

stick he would put in the water to guide

us, and I said, “Where are we going,

Solomon?” And he said, “Everywhere!”

And then we started to roam the earth. Or

float around it, I guess.

I’m pretty sure now I’ve had this dream

before, or one like it, because I remember

thinking about him out of the blue a few

years ago after I got on facebook. I looked

up his page and saw all these nice

comments saying what a great person he

was. And I thought: wow, it doesn’t sound

like he’s changed one bit, how great.

And then I realized that the page was kept

alive as a kind of memorial to him.

Because actually he was dead. A car

accident the year before. He looked so

gentle and confident in his pictures, so

like himself. I hadn’t seem him since he

moved away in middle school, but when I

looked at him with his wife and two sons, I

felt like I still knew him.

Sometimes I forget that he’s dead. Even

the other day after I woke up. But in the

dream, he’s so alive. I can see his bright

eyes and his dark skin and his crazy big

smile. And I can see us sailing to the ends

of the earth on that mahogany dresser.

4/8  Associate Principal Diehl stops Phil in the

hall between classes.

“Mr. Gaffigan, I’d like you to come by my

office when you have a minute.”

“Sure thing, Mrs. Diehl. What about?”

“Maybe at the end of the day tomorrow?

I’m all tied up this afternoon.”

4/9  “Come on in, Phil. Have a seat.”

“What can I help you with, Mrs. Diehl?”

“Seems we have a little parent problem

on our hands.”

“Oh.”

“You have a student, let’s see here,

Madison Ledford?”

“That’s right.”

“Well, her mother has written us a very

strongly worded letter. She’s claiming that

during class you allowed another student

to call her daughter a…well, a bitch.”

“Oh.”

“Now I’m sure there’s more to it than that.

We’ll need to talk to the student she

named, and we’ll get your side too, of

course. But that’s for later. That’s not what

I wanted to give you a heads up about.”

“Is there…another problem?”

“Well, I’m not sure to tell you the truth.

Seems she’s been talking to some of the

other parents about your classes. Now,

there’s nothing specific, and I think maybe

she’s just trying to make her case

stronger, but she makes vague references

to class material that is incompatible with

her religious beliefs. And those of her

daughter.”

“Madison’s religious beliefs?”

“I know, I know. But seems some parents

have been getting themselves worked up

over that vetoed state bill that was just

overturned. You know, the one about

‘sincerely held religious beliefs’.”

“I’ve heard a little about it. But I didn’t think

it was for schools.”

“That’s what I’m thinking too. But it doesn’t

take much to embolden these people.

Mrs. Ledford even makes reference to

bringing her complaints to the next school

board meeting. And that is something we

certainly want to avoid.”

“Of course.”

“I haven’t even told Jim about the letter

yet. You know he’s a lot more…sensitive

to the politics here than I am. So this is

just between you and me for now. I don’t

want to bring him into this unless

absolutely necessary.”

“I appreciate that.”

“Listen, I know your classes have been a

little unruly lately. The kids are always

going to be looking for an angle, so don’t

give them anything. Just go on about your

business. Don’t give them any cause.”

“I don’t. I mean, I’ve tried not to.”

“I’m sure you have, Phil. And let’s keep it

that way until we get this mess sorted out.”

4/10 Phil feels a sharp pain in his lower right

side and fears it’s appendicitis.

4/11 Phil looks out the kitchen window but

sees only a reflection of himself doing the

dishes.

4/12 After school, Phil lowers the blinds and

lies down on the couch.  He listens to the

hum of the refrigerator.  It lulls him to

sleep.

4/13 Phil writes in his notebook:

What an exhausting week! Guess I got too

used to sleeping in and lounging around

during spring break. But now the official

countdown to summer has begun. Only

six weeks left and I can’t wait.

Guess I’m at that point in the year where

the end is in sight, but it’s not actually that

close yet. Still all those days to get

through when I just want it to be over.

Wish I could just call it a day and try again

next year.

Been feeling so old lately. Sleeping long

hours like when I was young, but I don’t

wake up feeling rested. Even right now.

Saturday morning and I’m already too

tired to write or do much of anything.

Not much else to report anyway.

4/14 Phil watches Sandwich King, Love It or

List It, Dog Eat Dog, Extreme Couponing,

Swamp Wars, Skating and Gymnastics

Spectacular, Chopped, House Hunters

International, Dirty Dancing, Golden Girls.

4/15 Something wakes Phil. He gasps for

breath and hears a strange chorus.

Car alarms going off all over the

neighborhood.

4/16 At breakfast, Phil eats a bag of Dill Pickle

flavored Lay’s while rehearsing what he

will say to Mrs. Diehl.

4/17 Phil fills up his gas after school.  The hook

won’t catch, so he holds the lever himself

and watches the numbers flicker past.

4/18 Kyle comes by during Phil’s planning.

“Mr. G. Just need my work for next week.”

“I’ve got everything right here.”

“Hope it’s nothing too heavy, you know?”

“It’s light, don’t sweat it.”

“Right on, man.”

“Kyle”

“Don’t even worry about me, Mr. G. I got a

week’s vacation out of this.”

“It’s not exactly”

“Chance to work on my own things,

you know?”

“Sure, but listen. You didn’t have to make

it worse for yourself like”

“It’s cool.”

“I mean, I appreciate what you did. But

you didn’t have to lie for me.”

“And have a good guy like you dragged

into it? Nah.”

“You didn’t have to”

“It’s done, Mr. G. Besides, have you met

Madison’s mom? Steer clear, man. She’s

a beast.”

“Don’t get me wrong, Kyle. I appreciate it,

I do. But why did you, I mean, for me?”

“I just hate fucking bullshit. You know?”

4/19 Phil wakes before his alarm.  He stays in

bed and listens to the rain.

4/20 Phil checks the mail and realizes that the

Summer Preview was a double issue, so

there’ll be no new Entertainment Weekly

this week.

4/21 Phil writes in his notebook:

I need to go to bed in a minute, but I at

least want to record that things are going

better. It gets better! Actually, I’m not sure

about that. But at least this week turned

out ok. And today was even good.

I decided to go down and see mom today

without calling ahead. Yesterday was so

nothing, and I didn’t want that again. So I

just showed up at lunch with Cracker

Barrel. Mom seemed really surprised.

Thought something must surely be wrong.

We ended up having a nice talk, mostly

about the past, which she always enjoys.

Maybe I just caught her in a mood, or

maybe it was mine, or maybe both. Who

knows? I’m just happy to have a nice visit!

No need to overanalyze it.

I’m sleeping a little better too. Except

when the neighborhood animals get riled

up, which has been strangely often lately.

So much barking and howling and weird

cat sounds, like all together at once. Must

get each other going. Or maybe it’s

something in the air. Something to do with

spring.

Almost forgot, mom asked today if I had

any birthday plans. I said I didn’t, but now

that I think about it, maybe I should. It is a

big one, after all. Better start planning!

4/22 Phil finds his old Kroger Plus card and his

lucky nail clippers in the couch.

4/23 Phil catches himself in the hallway mirror

on the way out.  He retucks his shirt and

tries to smooth down the back.  But it

keeps puffing out.

4/24 On Man o’ War, a little girl waves at Phil

from the backseat of the car ahead.

Phil waves back, makes a funny face.

4/25 At the checkout, Phil sees a broccoli

casserole on the cover of a magazine.  He

thinks maybe he should make himself one

for his birthday.  But he can’t decide

between a Ritz or Cheez-It crust.  They are

both so good.

4/26 All evening, Phil’s internet keeps cutting

out.  His router blinks strange patterns of

light.

4/27 Phil reads online about a sinkhole that

swallowed up a house with a man still

inside.  He steps lightly afterwards, as if

the ground beneath his feet might give

way at any moment.

4/28 Phil catches the end of the Hot Burrito

Show on his way back from the mall.  He

remembers how Murphy used to take him

on long Sunday drives through the

country, blasting the show the whole way.

4/29 Phil listens to the kids talking about

Saturday’s prom before class.  They make

it sound really great.  He wishes he hadn’t

backed out of chaperoning this year.

4/30 “Howdy, professor.”

“Hello, Phil. Sorry to bother you so early.”

“No problem, I was just getting ready to

leave. Wow, looks like it’s going to be a

nice one today, huh?”

“I’m not looking forward to the summer

heat.”

“Well, what can I do you for?”

“Would you happen to have some bleach

I could borrow?”

“Sure do. Come on in.”

“Nice place you have here. You keep

house much better than I do.”

“Thanks, I try!”

May

5/1  Phil waves to Gene in the hall, but the boy

ducks his head and hurries past.

5/2  Phil notices another foreclosed home in

his neighborhood.  He remembers this

family moving in some years back, both

kids bouncing in the grass while their

parents unloaded boxes from the van.

5/3  Paula stops Phil on his way in and tells

him how Mrs. Ledford showed up at the

SBDM Council the night before to

complain about him and two other

teachers.

5/4  Phil writes in his notebook:

I’m kind of upset right now. There have

been some things happening recently I

haven’t had time to write about. And I

thought they were over. But they’re not.

The mother of one of my students has it

out for me, which is bad enough. But now

she’s gone and gotten other teachers

involved. Paula said she probably did it

so she wouldn’t be accused of only

attacking me. That just sounds too crazy.

Who would do that?

I don’t know all the details yet. I didn’t talk

to the other teachers yet either, Ms. Wilkes

and Mrs. Barrow. Freddie’s been teaching

Biology since way before I started. She’s

nice enough, but I wouldn’t say we’re

close. And Gillian’s still in her first year

teaching English. Seems like a sweet girl,

very bookish, but we’ve never really

talked.

I just hate that they got dragged into this. I

was already upset about another student

being involved, even before this. I thought

it was all over. I thought everyone was

moving on. So why do things keep

happening, one after another? I don’t

understand. I just want it to end. I want

things back to normal.

5/5  Phil writes in his notebook:

Paula called to see how I was doing

today. She’s so nice – no one ever calls

like that. I think she’s even more upset

than me. Which helps, since for some

reason others getting worked up usually

calms me down.

I’ve been thinking about a lot of stuff this

weekend. Something related to all this

happened a few weeks ago. With a

student who has always been really nice

to me. I have no idea why he covered for

me like he did, or why he even likes me.

Do I remind him of someone? I have no

clue. But he did a good thing, not the kind

of thing you see every day, and now it’s

like it was for nothing.

Sometimes I think my brain is really slow.

Not only in figuring stuff out, but in

feeling things too. Like there’s this delay,

and I feel things at the wrong time.

When I used to feel happy, mom would

often say: What do you have to feel happy

about? Look at your life, Phil. And other

times I would be down and she would

say: What do you have to feel upset

about? You don’t know how lucky you

are.

I guess most of the time everything seems

fine. I mean, life is ok most days. But then

I’ll have one bad day that makes me

wonder about all the others. And I can’t

tell which days and which feelings are

true.

5/6  Phil plans stirring speeches in the

shower.

5/7  “What are you going to do?” Gillian asks.

“We need to talk to Mrs. Diehl first,” Phil

says.

“I don’t even know if they were planning to

bring me back next year.”

“I’m sure they”

“I really really can’t afford to get

pinkslipped right now.”

“I don’t think”

“Laurence is still out of work, and I just”

“It won’t come to that, Gillian.”

“I hope you’re right. At least we have

Ms. Overstreet in this. Man is she sure

fired up.”

“Thank goodness she’s on our side.”

“I know, right? Now I’m actually thankful

she heads the department! The woman

does not suffer fools.”

“She sure doesn’t.”

“But, I don’t know, what if? I mean, Laur

and me, we just can’t move back home.

Not now.”

“You know, my dad was from eastern

Kentucky too. Whereabouts exactly

did you grow up?”

5/8  “Excuse me, Ms. Wilkes,” Phil says.

“Just a minute now,” Freddie says.

“Sorry, I can come back later.”

“No, gimme one…oh Mr. Gaffigan, it’s just

you.”

“I wanted to be sure you’d heard about

tomorrow’s meeting with Mrs. Diehl.”

“Yeah sure, I know. Same old crap as

always. I’ve dealt with these parents so

many times now. Wears me out, I tell you.”

“But I think Mrs. Diehl might be able to

help us.”

“Oh, she’ll try alright. She doesn’t have

any more patience for these freaking

people than I do. She needs to minimize

damage, though. Especially for Rhodes.”

“I’m afraid Principal Rhodes and I don’t…

have much in common.”

“Who does? If you’re not useful to the

man, you might as well be invisible.”

5/9  Phil stops at Wendy’s on the way home

from school. He keeps thinking about

Mrs. Ledford’s phrase: a pattern of

disrespect.

5/10 Phil forgets what he was saying.

5/11 Phil sleeps, off and on, all day.

5/12 Phil writes in his notebook:

Spent the day down with mom. She was

all dressed up when I got there, though it

was only me coming. We had a nice

lunch, cake too, and then just visited all

afternoon (she didn’t ask me to take her to

church, thank goodness).

She certainly was in high spirits. Told

many of the same stories I’ve heard so

many times now – how hard the early

years had been with dad, how Bern had

been such a difficult child, how she wasn’t

even sure she wanted to be a mother, but

then along came her boy. She’s not

superstitious but said she knew it meant

something that I was born on her day.

I think she really wanted me to celebrate

more today, even though this year my

birthday’s not actually until tomorrow.

(Bern would disagree – she always says

mom doesn’t actually like to share and

only makes such a big deal like this as a

cover. I’ve told her many times I don’t see

why mom would bother. It’s not like

anybody’s watching. But Bern says mom

imagines an audience for everything.)

Mom could tell I wasn’t totally there. She

asked about my plans tomorrow, and I

said something about going out with Alex

and a few friends. She thought I would

have a big to-do for this one, but I said I

wanted something more intimate. Truth is,

I did have all these plans, but I’ve barely

thought about them the past week. Didn’t

even tell anyone. At this point, I just don’t

want to make a big fuss.

She finally asked straight out what was

wrong, and I told her it was just some

boring school stuff. Honestly, I wouldn’t

even know where to begin. Doesn’t seem

like anything serious is going to happen,

but listening to all of Mrs. Ledford’s

complaints, I felt…I don’t know, I could

kind of relate somehow. Not with exactly

what she was saying, but still.

I told Paula about this, and she didn’t

know what to make of it. She asked why in

the world I would feel bad for someone

who has it in for me. I told her I don’t really

know. I can’t seem to help it.

5/13 Paula sticks her head in during Phil’s

planning.

“Happy birthday there, Phil!”

“Oh Paula, you scared me half to death.”

“Got big plans tonight?”

“Well, not quite sure yet, might have, gotta

confirm a few, I mean, it’s a Monday and

all, people are pretty busy.”

Phil looks back down at his desk. Paula

squints, studies him a moment.

“Listen, honey. Some of us, well, we’d like

to take you out for a drink after school.

How does that sound?”

“Really?” Phil says.

5/14 Phil wakes to a terrific hangover.

5/15 Phil writes in his notebook:

I still can’t believe how amazingly great

my birthday turned out. A bunch of people

showed up for drinks after school, some I

would have never expected. Like Ms.

Overstreet, drinking an actual beer. It was

a wild sight! And Ben showed up for a bit

too, which just completely floored me. He

brought a girl (ok, no real surprise there),

but at least he was nice to look at for an

hour!

It’s hard to describe, but there was just

this feeling in the air. Sometimes it

happens with a certain group of people,

something just clicks. Everybody was

drinking and chatting openly (lots of

Ledford talk). There was just this energy

like I haven’t felt since those first years

after college when I was going out almost

every night. I couldn’t stop smiling, drank

way too much. I just didn’t want it to end.

I don’t even remember the end very well.

A few stayed with me til I could drive

home, which was so nice of them. I was a

mess yesterday at school (still can’t

handle my liquor at all). But it was kind of

a wonderful mess. I showed a movie in

class and just sat at my desk trying to

remember every detail. All day, teachers

kept asking how I was, but in that way like

we had a secret or something. It was so

great.

At the bar, they gave me a card that said:

“Lordy Lordy, Look Who’s 40!” You know,

I really think my 40s could be better than

my 30s!

I just feel so grateful right now. To Paula

for sure, and to everyone who showed up.

But also to the universe for giving me

such a great night. Thank you, universe!

5/16 Phil weighs himself.  He’s gained 17

pounds in the past 2 months.

5/17 Ian Rook catches Phil in the teacher’s

lounge.

“My good man, I’m glad I ran into you. I’ve

heard about your trouble with that

woman.”

“Who do you mean?”

“That parent, oh, what’s her name? Mrs.

Lanford or some such. The one giving

Mrs. Barrow grief over, which was it this

time? Oh right, BELOVED. Can you

believe it? Let’s alert the New York Times!

The esteemed Mrs. Lanford has an

opinion!”

“I doubt”

“And with Ms. Wilkes, it was the usual

intelligent design nonsense again, wasn’t

it? Mrs. Lanford and her erudite pastor

know better than Mr. Darwin and every

other respected scientist on earth!

They’ve never made it to the Galapagos,

but they survey the beaches of Florida

every year now don’t they?”

“Actually”

“And what was it for you? Oh yes, your

disrespect for the South. Of all things!

Because what, you said the Civil War was

about slavery? Not their precious states’

rights? Did you besmirch their honorably

racist ancestors? And they say this was a

border state!”

“We probably shouldn’t”

“NOW they want nuance? NOW they want

to talk about complexity? THEY teach US

about nuance and complexity? Let’s have

these philistines attend one of my classes

and see if they can keep up! Though I

suspect they could teach my Lear a thing

or two about being a bad parent!”

“Well, I wouldn’t say”

“Of course you wouldn’t. You’re too easy

on them, Mr. Gaffigan. These fools cling to

their quote unquote beliefs and then bring

their cretinous bile to your door and you,

what, invite them in? And the whole time,

they never even admit why they’re really

there, why they chose YOUR door.

Cowards, all of them.”

“I need to be going, Mr. Rook.”

“The next time Mrs. Lanford or any of

these…people come around, call on me

will you. Will you, Mr. Gaffigan? I’m on

your side!”

5/18 Phil attempts a 15-minute run on his

treadmill.

5/19 Phil writes in his notebook:

Well, 5 days left with students, then back

for 1 more to pack up my room (though I

hope to get most of that done this week).

I don’t remember when I was last this

excited for summer. I probably say that

every year, ha!

It does seem like things are finally settling

down. Hopefully smooth sailing from here

on out. I think Mrs. Ledford is not going to

push anything further (Paula says she

made a big mistake attacking so many of

us – we teachers stick together,

apparently). Maybe I do need to

reevaluate some of my curriculum this

summer, though.

I want to reevaluate a lot of things soon.

My birthday was wonderful, but I’ve got to

get myself out there more. I can’t act like I

have all the time in the world at my age.

I want to meet more people and really

enjoy every day. Want to feel better too

and get serious about my weight again.

I tried to start things up yesterday, but I

think I pushed too hard. I’ve always been

bad at cardio, though ok with weights.

Maybe I should join a gym and get a

whole routine going. Need to buy some

new workout clothes first!

5/20 Phil eats a quick snack so he won’t be

hungry while shopping at Kroger.

5/21 Phil gives his first set of final exams.

5/22 A brown bird lands on Phil’s side view

mirror while he’s stopped in traffic.

5/23 Phil notices his microwave clock has

been reset when he gets home from

school.  He figures the power must have

blinked out again.

5/24 Phil tells his students to have a good

summer.  They tell him to have a good one

too.

5/25 Phil skips graduation.

5/26 After seeing another post on Arrested

Development, Phil decides that this

summer he will finally try some of these

series he keeps hearing about.

5/27 “Has the whole neighborhood been

losing power recently? Or is it just me?”

Phil asks from his backyard.

“I wouldn’t worry about it. A temporary

thing, I’m sure,” Phil’s neighbor says from

his.

“Just hope we don’t lose it on one of those

super hot days.”

“Indeed.”

“Does feel like summer’s really starting

now, huh?”

“I suppose.”

“Not your favorite season?”

“You could say that.”

“Mind if I ask why?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.”

“Do you have any graves to visit?”

“Sorry?”

“Today, I mean. Any memorials?”

“Oh, not around here. Not much military in

my family. Besides, I’m not one to dwell

on the past.”

“What else is there to dwell on?”

5/28 While cleaning out his desk, Phil finds the

extra piece of Orbit Sweet Mint gum he’d

been saving.

5/29 Phil writes in his notebook:

Well, summer has officially begun! Except

for one professional development thing,

no school stuff until mid-August!

It kind of feels like new year’s all over

again. I was looking back at my

resolutions, and the only one I’ve really

kept is this diary. Which is at least

something!

Actually, I have been on the internet a lot

less than last year. But I’m not sure it’s

helped. I still want to check out some of

those shows that are supposed to be so

cool. And I’m thinking about trying

something besides facebook. Maybe

twitter!

But first, the weight. I can really plan every

meal now. No school interference. And

once I get my treadmill routine going and

lose the first 10, I might be ready to try a

real gym. And who knows, maybe a date

too! Need to find some decent bars and

fun summer events. And look into setting

up a whole new dating profile online.

Man, I’m so out of practice!

5/30 Phil dumps all the temptations from his

pantry and fridge into a tall kitchen

garbage bag.  He empties a jar of queso

over them just to be sure.

5/31 Phil pounds the treadmill and sings,

“Turn around, bright eyes!”

June

6/1  Phil decides to finally order a ShamWow.

6/2  Phil feels a dull ache in his chest and

fears it’s a heart attack.

6/3  Phil weighs in and finds he’s lost

4 pounds in the past week.

6/4  Phil wakes in the dark. He almost

remembers the dream he was having.

Something caught in a loop, upside-

down, something almost geometric but

not, an impossible space, exposed.

It feels familiar, like the nightmares he

used to have as a teenager.

6/5  Phil digs his weights out of the garage

and sets up a little workout area

beside the treadmill.

6/6  Phil can barely hold himself up in the

shower.  His whole body feels like jelly.

6/7  Phil watches Pawn Stars all evening.

6/8  Phil keeps checking all his regular sites

for something interesting.

6/9  Phil writes in his notebook:

Seems I always forget what summer’s like

until it actually gets here. I have my plans

and all, but I still don’t know what to do

with myself half the time. I already miss

school a little. At least it was busy.

My diet and exercise routine is going well

enough. I’m actually looking forward to

weighing in tomorrow. Though I did

overdo it this week with the weights. My

body doesn’t recover at all like it used to.

This weekend was a wash. I had plans to

go out Friday night, but I just couldn’t get

myself out the door. And then yesterday

was one of those blah days where I

couldn’t focus on anything.

I’m about to go down and see mom now.

At least it will get me out of the house.

And I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

6/10 Phil studies himself in the bathroom

mirror. But he can’t see the difference.

Maybe a different mirror would help,

he thinks.

6/11 Just as Phil finishes his lawn, another

mower starts up in a yard nearby.

6/12 In the frozen food aisle, Phil hears

someone behind him say, “Cute as hell.

He’s just cute as hell.”

Phil grins and ducks his head into the

Stouffer’s freezer. He glances back

through the frosted door and sees a

woman staring into her friend’s phone.

6/13 Phil traces a breeze in the house to two

windows he doesn’t remember leaving

open.

6/14 Phil drives to Wendy’s for a Frosty Waffle

Cone just to get out of the house.

6/15 Phil goes to start The Wire but gets

sidetracked by hulu’s Saturday Morning

TV collection. He ends up watching

He-Man, She-Ra, and Fat Albert all day.

6/16 Phil walks an old route through his

hometown.

6/17 Phil writes in his notebook:

I’m feeling, I don’t know, ridiculous.

3 weeks have already passed since

school got out, and the days just blend

together in my head. Why does this

always happen? I make all these new

plans, but then I just do the same old

things over and over. Only my diet seems

to be working. I guess because it’s a habit

now.

I went on my usual Father’s Day walk

yesterday. It was good! I really needed it.

I can feel dad so much on those streets.

It’s weird how strong my memories are of

him on our paths. Much more than when

I’m in the house with mom.

I don’t think he’d understand my life right

now. He was always so active. Hated to

sit still. Hated, really, to be in the house.

He said his mind worked better when his

body was moving. That’s where he got all

his ideas, walking those streets.

It’s funny, when I was walking yesterday I

started thinking of all the streets in our

town that I’d never been down. I feel like I

know the whole town, but really it’s just a

few set paths. There are actually all these

gaps, like clouds floating over the map in

my head. The weird part is that it doesn’t

feel like anything’s missing. It feels

complete, even though it’s not.

I’m going to try again. I’m going to really

do things this week. I’m going to read this

next week and hold myself to it. Dad

always said it was never too late to

change your life. Another week, another

chance!

6/18 Phil sets up a profile on okcupid.

 

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