April 8, 2024
My life has become unrecognizable. We’ve been in Chongqing seven months. My daughter’s more than a year and a half. I am happy for the first time in a decade.
A few notes:
I’m so thankful to be teaching again. I love my students. They are such a huge part of my happiness here.
My time is more limited these days, and my media access is too. So my monthly lists will continue to be smaller. 2023 turned out to be a good year for books and movies, a decent one for shows and music, and a lackluster one for games. I did play a number of big games I didn’t like enough to finish. A few years ago I might have pushed through because of my obsession with ends and wholes, or just out of critical spite. But now, unless I have some deep investment (like Rebirth, unfortunately), I have to let them go. Not much use for backlogs anymore.
I sometimes look back on all my unfinished writing and feel embarrassed. I try to conjure the fire that first lit them in my brain, but it’s usually out, super out, and I have to move on. I do keep trying to figure out how to finish things, but I’m not sure I get to decide which anymore. That said, I have begun a large new daily project here that I hope will tie a lot of my loose threads together. Or at least keep certain fires burning.
I’m also thinking of doing something different with this site. Not erase its past but open it up to looser forms. I want to have more fun with writing.
I decided to add a ‘Latest’ section to the menu so I could highlight updates without making an entire news entry. Hopefully this will encourage smaller writings, and make navigation a little easier too.
Also, and this is a long time coming: I am nonbinary (they/them).
August 9, 2023
Next week my family is moving to Chongqing. I hope to share more once there.
February 11, 2022
I had thought I’d wait to update this news until I had something finished to share. That seems like a bad idea now. I tend to take forever to finish things. I’m trying to get better about that.
So instead, I’ll talk about some things I’m working on, in various stages of completion:
– I spent much of last year writing and coding a visual novel. It arose directly from the fallow period after abandoning the Zelda memoir last winter. Unfortunately, the project has become too ambitious for the artist to continue long-term, so I now have to rethink its form. Perhaps it will remain a visual novel, perhaps it will become a non-visual novel, I’m not sure. I don’t quite know how to describe it yet, except as a kind of epic fantasy metaphysical psychodrama.
– I wrote a daily story throughout 2013. Daily as in written each day and taking place each day, storywise. I was trying to approach something like real-time, which is impossible in writing. Lately I’ve been revising the original draft towards publication as a novel. Hopefully this won’t take much longer.
– I’ve been playing with a variety of non-fiction pieces for a while now. These include: 100-word shorts (on various media and everyday objects), longer essays (on how to read again, or the poison of audience, or time travel delusions), personal histories (of body hatred, of videogame eras), letters (to characters I have loved), dialogues (on evil, on belief in an afterlife), salvaged Zelda fragments (from the memoir), and assorted notes (on anime, or poetics, or why how much I like something and how good I think it is are the same thing). Once I have enough finished and figure out some sort of structure, I’ll publish them here.
– My lists will continue. Though some are obviously archival, many are live. The media lists will update more regularly, every month or two, and I’ll add new batches of other lists as they come together. As for The Ten Thousand Things, I started it in 2016 but won’t finish until 2026. I’m still not sure what form it might take on this website.
It’s been a decade now since “Saving Zelda”. Sometimes it feels much longer. Thankfully, big life changes are on the horizon. Here’s to the Year of the Water Tiger!
June 20, 2021
It feels so good to be out from under the burden of games discourse. Even the imagined audience for the Zelda book weighed on me more than I realized. Just like when I left social media in 2018, this has all felt like an immediate and obvious good. I still play what I want, but the ruinous games voices in my head are quieter now. Well, mostly.
I’m working on a lot of new writing, short and long, fiction and non, though publishing it will take time. I’m also making lists. I’ve been doing this a while, both because I think lists are an underexplored form and because I just really enjoy making them. In 2009 I started keeping lists of most books I read each year. I added movies in 2010, videogames in 2011, and after years of scattered notes, TV shows in 2016. I never intended to share these lists, but as I began composing a larger list project the past few years, I realized they were a part of it too.
So over the summer I’ll be putting up a new list every day. First books and movies and shows, then music, then some more experimental lists. If you’re interested, you can follow their posting each day here.
A few notes about the media lists: 1) For annual best/worsts, the time of my experience is most important, but I do give myself some leeway in the new year to finish movies and shows released the previous year; 2) Access is often a big factor for me, given that I buy very little and depend on things like interlibrary loan at my wonderful public library; 3) Publishing anything, even a list, always triggers second thoughts, so some of these may shift a bit in the posting; 4) Scores themselves have noticeably shifted over time, both tending lower and making fuller use of the scale; 5) Of course scores also expire in time and are less comparable the further they are apart. They serve as shorthand for my feelings in a given moment. Some I still remember in detail, others are just names and numbers now; 6) Finally, how much I like something and how good I think it is are the same thing.
December 25, 2020
For the past 6 months I’ve been trying to finish my game memoir. Salvage it, really. The book was originally meant to explore our most pivotal games experiences (in my case, The Legend of Zelda) and the passing of time. But maybe too much time passed in the writing. Or maybe I changed too much in the last few years. I’m not sure. I thought this summer and fall that even though I was done with games criticism, I still had this book in me. But it seems I was wrong. My heart just isn’t in it anymore.
And so, writing-wise, I’m moving on. I told my publisher I won’t be finishing the book, and they thankfully accepted my decision. As for what I’ll do with my drafts, some parts will migrate to new projects, others will probably remain as fragments. There was one finished part of the memoir, though, that I was always very fond of. It was meant to be the book’s opening chapter, but now I’ve decided to publish it here. It’s called “Nine Encounters in Hyrule”. I hope you enjoy it.
April 27, 2020
“It’s Not Coming Back” will take a final two-week break tomorrow.
Unlike the first intermission, which was scheduled from the beginning, I didn’t plan this one until recently. Part of it is sheer exhaustion after the radical contingency section, which was not only the hardest for me but also wholly written from notes each day, not ahead of time like much of the rest. This was another experiment in form and process, and I’m glad I did it, but man was it grueling. The other reason is that after all this dailiness, I need time to get my mind around what’s left. The final section is a culmination, and a very long time coming, and there are still many notes to resolve on top of what’s already written.
So I’m gonna take a few days to recover from all this contingency, then dive back in and cut the conclusion down to size before starting the final run on Tuesday, May 12th. See you then.
March 22, 2020
Starting today there will be a two week intermission in the daily essay. I planned this break back in January, but with everything happening right now, a chance to pause and reassess is very welcome. “It’s Not Coming Back” will resume on Sunday, April 5th.
During this intermission I’ll be posting new videogame lists every day, starting with the best and worst of 2019 and ending with decades. This is part of a much larger list project I’ve been composing for years. I think of the list as both a literary form and aesthetic object, and I’m especially interested in how lists can reflect a person, a sensibility. I’ll say more about the project later, but this intermission felt like a good time to post the videogame portion.
Though I’m not writing up my best and worst games of the year as in the past, I do want to point out one title that didn’t get much attention elsewhere. It’s called Lyrica, it’s on Switch, and it’s an excellent rhythm game centered on classic Chinese poetry. It has evocative songs, cool calligraphic mechanics, and of course extraordinary poems. (Here’s Ariel Yu singing Bai Juyi’s “Song of Everlasting Regret”.) The rising anti-Chinese racism and xenophobia right now sickens me, and while this beautiful game doesn’t change that, I sure wish more people would check it out.
January 29, 2020
Starting tomorrow, I’ll begin posting the final part of “It’s Not Coming Back”. It will come in pieces, one piece per day. Some pieces are a sentence, some a page, most a couple paragraphs. There are a lot of pieces. They are numbered. And they do have an end, though it will take a while to get there.
This daily rollout will be an experiment of sorts, a kind of live essay. I honestly don’t know if it will work, or whether it’s wise, or whether I can even pull it off. The essay may shift in the unspooling, and I’m still not sure how some of the later pieces will resolve. But I hope this form speaks to the content I’ve been wrestling with for so long. I hope by the end it makes sense.
(Also, I’ve moved the first four sections of the essay to linked pages for ease of reading. The “Game of the Generation” link up top should now send you to the latest daily piece.)
January 2, 2020
Time keeps passing. So things keep changing. I think this is the hardest part of writing for me. It’s definitely the hardest part of writing about Fortnite.
Fortnite keeps going, keeps happening, famously, and yet it also ended in October of 2019. Maybe you heard. The signs of its ending were already there, though, in May when Season 9 took the island into the ‘the future’. I balked at first, fearful of what it might mean. My narrative sense told me that once you go into the future, there’s no going back. The end is always in sight.
And so, I waited. I watched each day as the signs accumulated and the island turned in on itself. I took notes, so many notes, determined to take any apocalypse into account. And all the while, my essay changed. Then it changed again, and kept changing. Days and weeks and months passed and it would not stop and I lost myself and the decade loomed and I could not find an end.
I’ve been drowning in notes and drafts for over a year now, and I simply have to move on and finish other writing. So later this month I’ll begin putting out the final part of “It’s Not Coming Back”. This section is really its own essay at this point, with the first 4 parts almost serving as preamble. Like those, it will come in pieces and take a while, both because it’s wildly long and because I don’t think I’ll ever actually release it if I don’t tip the first domino this way and set it in motion.
If you’ve been checking the site for updates and have stuck with me despite the lack, please know that I appreciate it. It’s been a tough year (and decade, honestly), but I am quietly hopeful about the new one.
May 31, 2019
The final part of “It’s Not Coming Back” is still coming. It’s the longest and oldest section of the essay, and I’ve made significant changes in the last month. These revisions, along with some unexpected life stress, have delayed me longer than I’d hoped. But it will be out before long.
In the meantime, I’d like to share some of the books I enjoyed most while writing the essay this winter and spring:
Taeko Kono’s Toddler-Hunting and Other Stories
Carolyn Chute’s The Beans of Egypt, Maine
Daniel Immerwahr’s How to Hide an Empire
Ellen Meloy’s Seasons: Desert Sketches
Tressie McMillan Cottom’s Thick: And Other Essays
Clarice Lispector’s The Passion According to G.H.
Gabriela Mistral’s Madwomen poems
Klara du Plessis’ Ekke
Maurice Manning’s Bucolics
Nayyirah Waheed’s salt.
The Selected Poems of Bai Juyi
David Lanoue’s vertical translations of Issa’s haiku, his Cup-Of-Tea Poems
Also, I finally read Moby Dick. I first started it 22 years ago while selling my plasma to buy a Playstation and Final Fantasy VII. But I didn’t eat enough beforehand and passed out while leaving the clinic. That ended my first and only attempt. Until this winter, I’d never made it past the first night with Queequeg.
I still wasn’t quite prepared for the book. It’s stunning. The language left me dizzy. I think about the ending all the time now, especially late at night.
March 28, 2019
“It’s Not Coming Back” is the first essay in my Absolute Terror Field series. It’s divided into five parts, like this:
The Worst Games of 2018
Interlude: The Failure of Game Critics
The Best Games of 2018
Interlude: The Other Failure of Game Critics
The Game of the Generation
Because it’s extremely long and each section is kind of an essay unto itself, I’ll be releasing the first part today and the rest separately over the next few weeks. Today’s worst of 2018 also comes with a sub-essay, “Questions for Cowboys”.
This was a long time coming, and I appreciate the patience of those who’ve been waiting for it. Writing this essay took me in many unexpected directions this winter. I hope reading it also feels like a kind of adventure.
Ok, let’s begin.
February 14, 2019
My worst and best games of the year list has turned into something else altogether. After a few December surprises, I thought I had a handle on it. But it was clearly not like my past lists, in length or in scope. Free from twitter limits, it seemed to have another destination in mind. And so I followed. The result: the longest, most ambitious game essay I’ve ever written. Also, still somehow a list.
I’m finishing it up now. Contrary to what many said about games in 2018, I thought it was an exceptional year of extreme highs and lows. And I had a lot of reactions. The resulting list essay hybrid is a little unruly, and I’m still wrestling it into shape. But I’m excited to share it. I should have it up in the next few weeks.
December 12, 2018
I’ll do my best/worst games of the year in January. But here’s a little preview:
Red Dead Redemption 2 is the worst game of 2018.
It’s a con, all of it. The staged world, the stock characters, the hollow story, the “good man” Arthur, the wretched missions, the stupid shooting galleries, the sulky masculinity, the blinkered whiteness, every masturbatory detail. The game believes in nothing, cares about nothing but its own con.
And we want to be conned. We want it. We love the lies. We love the con of videogames.
Videogame culture is humiliating.
November 21, 2018
I recently spoke with Andrew Hathaway about Night in the Woods for his podcast at Can’t Stop the Movies. We discussed the rarity of real human beings in games, the many many ways we are haunted, and how to live with a death cult.
November 13, 2018
I read a lot of poetry but little that really speaks to me. These are some exceptions from the past few years:
Wislawa Szymborska’s View with a Grain of Sand
Leslie Harrison’s The Book of Endings
Lucie Brock-Broido’s A Hunger
Jos Charles’ feeld
Tommy Pico’s Nature Poem
Michael Robbins’ Alien vs. Predator
Aram Saroyan’s Complete Minimal Poems
Chen Chen’s When I Grow Up I Want to Be a List of Further Possibilities
Al-Husayn ibn Ahmad ibn Khalawayh’s Names of the Lion
Aracelis Girmay’s the black maria
Also, Assassin’s Creed Odyssey is unexpectedly great. Kassandra is the best open world avatar (with the best arms). The world is a stunning catalog of light.
October 10, 2018
I’ve added 3 more ‘Games of the Year’ lists from Twitter, as well as threads on Breath of the Wild and the failures of game critics.
September 4, 2018
I read and played and watched and listened to some good things this summer:
– The Dawning Moon of the Mind by Susan Brind Morrow
– On a Red Station, Drifting by Aliette de Bodard
– Heart Berries by Terese Marie Mailhot
– Art and China after 1989: Theater of the World
– The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro (first rereading in 8 years, a perfect book)
– Walking Simulator A Month Club Vol. 1
– Onrush
– The Awesome Adventures of Captain Spirit
– VOEZ
– Season 5 of Fortnite (game just does not stop)
– Hannah Gadsby’s Nanette
– Sorry to Bother You
– Je Tu Il Elle
– Pose
– FKA twigs’ “Two Weeks” video on repeat
– Kelela’s Take Me Apart
– Forest Swords’ Compassion
– Yaeji’s EPs
– Colin Stetson’s Sorrow: a reimagining of Gorecki’s 3rd Symphony
– George Clinton’s Computer Games
August 15, 2018
I’ve been sifting through the debris of my years on social media, looking for things to save.
A few so far: 2 Facebook posts responding to Trump voters, plus 3 ‘Games of the Year’ threads from Twitter.
I’ll add more as I make my way through the remains.
July 3, 2018
The best book I’ve read so far this year is Hernan Diaz’s In the Distance.
The best game I’ve played, by far, is Fortnite.
I’ve also recently enjoyed:
– Faces in the Water by Janet Frame
– Ms Ice Sandwich by Mieko Kawakami
– Motherhood by Sheila Heti
– Stroke by Stroke by Henri Michaux
– Journey to the Land of the Real by Victor Segalen
– Terrace House: Boys x Girls Next Door
– Atlanta: Robbin’ Season
– First Reformed
– Iconoclasts
– replaying Final Fantasy VII
June 16, 2018
I’ve deactivated my social media. If you want to follow my work, this is the place.
I’ll update this news section semi-regularly. Brief writing that would’ve previously appeared on twitter or facebook will show up here.
Right now I’m finishing a videogame memoir. It should be out next year. I’ll also be putting out a series of essays I’ve been drafting the past few years. These essays are about being in a world, being vulnerable, being anything at all. They’re both personal and political and range across media. Together they are called Absolute Terror Field.
If you need to reach me, my email is tevis at this website. Unfortunately, I’m an irregular correspondent.
Happy Bloomsday.